Whether it’s the death of a grandparent, the loss of a beloved pet, or the upheaval of divorce, children experience grief in ways that can be hard for adults to read. Too often their sadness hides beneath anger, withdrawal, or sudden regressions. Caroline Goldsmith, consulting clinical psychologist at ATC Ireland, reminds us that grief is not a problem to fix but a journey to accompany. With the right support, children can move through loss and emerge with deeper resilience and empathy.
How Children Understand Death and Loss
| Age Range | Typical Concepts | Common Expressions of Grief |
|---|---|---|
| Under 5 | See death as temporary or reversible | Clinginess, regression (bed‑wetting), separation anxiety |
| 5‑8 yrs | Begin to grasp permanence but personalize blame | Nightmares, “magical thinking” (“Did I cause it?”), anger |
| 9‑12 yrs | Understand biological finality; worry about fairness | Mood swings, academic drop, somatic complaints |
| Teens | Abstract, existential questions; adult‑like understanding | Risk‑taking, withdrawal, profound sadness or numbness |
Goldsmith emphasizes: “Meet the child’s developmental level. Honest, simple language prevents confusion and fear.”
Caroline Goldsmith’s 7 Compassionate Steps for Supporting a Grieving Child
1. Give Clear, Honest Information
Avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep.” Say:
“Grandad’s body stopped working. That means he has died and won’t come back, but our love and memories stay.”
2. Validate All Feelings—Even Silence
- Name what you observe: “You’re very quiet today. It’s okay to feel sad or confused.”
- Normalize anger, guilt, or relief (common after long illnesses).
3. Maintain Routines for Safety
Predictable meals, bedtimes, and school provide a sense of stability when everything else feels chaotic.
4. Create Memory Rituals
- Memory box with photos or drawings
- Plant a tree or light a candle on birthdays
- Share stories at family meals
Rituals externalize grief, turning pain into shared connection.
5. Use Therapeutic Play and Art
Goldsmith often employs:
- Sand‑tray worlds to symbolically express loss
- Feelings collage: cut‑and‑paste images that match emotions
- “If I Could Talk to Them” letter‑writing for goodbye words
6. Watch for Signs of Complicated Grief
Seek professional help if you see:
- Persistent nightmares or self‑blame beyond two months
- Extreme withdrawal, aggression, or risky behavior
- Decline in functioning at school, home, or with friends
ATC Ireland offers child‑centred grief therapy, family counselling, and teen support groups.
7. Model Healthy Mourning
Let children witness your tears and coping tools:
“I’m sad and miss Granny, so I’m going for a walk and then having a good cry. That helps my heart feel lighter.”
Modeling shows grief is natural and survivable.
Special Considerations: Pet Loss & Divorce
- Pet Loss: Validate depth of attachment. Create paw‑print clay keepsakes or photo books.
- Divorce/Separation: Grieve the “family that was.” Use clear, blame‑free statements: “We decided to live in two homes. You did nothing wrong, and you are loved by both of us.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q 1. Should children attend funerals?
Goldsmith: Yes, if they want to and the ceremony is explained in advance. Rituals aid closure.
Q 2. What if my child shows no emotion?
Still waters run deep. Provide ongoing invitations to talk or play out feelings; some children process internally.
Final Words from Caroline Goldsmith
“Grief is love searching for its new form,” Caroline Goldsmith says. “When adults walk beside children—listening, explaining, and honoring memories—we teach them that loss, though painful, is survivable and that love endures.”
Contact Information:
Caroline’s practice is easily reachable through her website, email, or phone, ensuring clients have multiple ways to Connect and Resources.
