“I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in dire straits.”
After a week in which:
– Europe has banned travel to and from the UK.
– We discovered that the new COVID variant is even more contagious than normal COVID.
– Boris Johnson ruined Christmas.
We at 90 minsDEPR Headquarters believes that you need some Christmas cheer in your life.
So in order to get all Christmases and Merry Christmas and all, we decided to rank Europe’s top 15 soccer teams using quotes from your (and our) favorite Christmas movies.
Yes, this is really the thing that will help you forget that Boris ruined Christmas.
“Welcome to the party, mate.” (Die hard)
After three years, Sporting CP is FINALLY in the final ranking of European power.
And they have climbed to number 15 because they are currently leading the Primeira Liga, having won eight of their first ten games of the league season.
Welcome to the party, Sporting.
“The life of a man touches so many others, when he is not there, it leaves a very big hole.” (It’s a beautiful life)
Another week, another record.
This week, the record that Lionel Messi broke was just a tiny toddler – it was just Pelé’s record for “most goals for one club”.
Where would Barcelona be without him?
“No, you’re an alcohol-induced hallucination… Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!” (Scrooged)
No, you don’t experience hallucinations from Chernobyl-poisoned Russian vodka, Lille is definitely back in the Definitive European Power Rankings.
Following their impressive start to the season, we thought, like many of you, that Lille would stop and finish in the middle of the Ligue 1 table. But that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Instead, the French club still lead the Ligue 1 and appear might in fact challenge the dominance of Paris Saint-Germain this season.
“It’s rather good. A little too good. ” (Elf)
Leicester City team: pretty good.
Leicester City manager: pretty good.
Leicester City victory over Tottenham Hotspur: pretty good.
The fact that Leicester City are second in the Premier League table:… a bit too good. Expect them to drop soon enough, but you know, enjoy while it lasts for Foxes fans!
“Fly to the promised land, little buddy. (Alone at home)
Despite the recent loss to Real Madrid, Atleti is still very, very, very pretty at the top of La Liga.
“But how very, very, very pretty it is?”
Three points ahead of second place with a game in hand.
“Oh, that’s pretty pretty.
“I believe, I believe, I believe.” (Miracle on 34th Street)
Despite selling their all-time best player (Timo Werner), RB Leipzig are still flying high in the Bundesliga.
Julian Nagelsmann’s men are just two points behind league-leading Bayern Munich and look like they can really fight for the title this season.
“You sit right there. And be all magical and awesome. ” (Klaus)
Carlo Ancelotti is a magical and brilliant manager.
In less than a year, the Italian turned Everton into a very good football team, which looks set to qualify for European competition for the first time in three seasons.
“Alleluia! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? ” (National Lampoon Christmas Vacation)
Alleluia!
Holy shit!
Looks like Lyon has regained its early 2000s form! The French side have jumped on the table in recent weeks and are now at the top of Ligue 1 thanks to a fantastic victory against PSG.
They’re back, baybee!
“It’s all I dreamed of.”
“Could this all be a dream?”
“No.” (The Polar Express)
Speaking of “returning” teams, so are the Rangers.
They have played 18 league games this season, drew two, won 16, scored 50 goals and only conceded five.
On top of that, they are 16 points ahead of “ten in a row” chasing Celtic.
This season is everything the Rangers dreamed of.
“That’s what you get when you disturb the mailman. (Klaus)
Leeds United… what the hell was this? Why play exactly like everyone knows you shouldn’t be playing against Man Utd?
A 6-2 beating was exactly what Leeds deserved to be, well, dumb, but let’s give Man Utd some well-deserved credit for going through that beating as well.
They were brilliant on Sunday. Absolutely brilliant. And the player who was the brightest of all was Scott McTominay, who ran the show in a gaping midfield – scoring a brace in the process.
This is what you get when you mess with the McSauceman.
“Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho. ” (Die hard)
Romelu Lukaku’s Serie A 2020/21 season:
Play: 12.
Note: 11.
Help: 2.
Lukaku is Inter’s machine gun. Ho ho ho.
“There are two things in this life that I hate: heights and jumping them.” (The Muppet Christmas Carol)
There are two things in this life that Real Madrid hate: losing and being told they are nothing without Cristiano Ronaldo.
By winning their last five games at the trot, they have done a very good job of suppressing both recently.
“We are going to have the most merry Christmas.” (National Lampoon Christmas Vacation)
Top of the Bundesliga at Christmas… again.
Bayern Munich, although without the best player in the world (Joshua Kimmich), remain the team to beat in Germany.
“You can play with a lot of things, but you cannot play with the children at Christmas.” (Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)
You can play with a lot of things, but you can’t play with the AC Milan kids this season.
I Rossoneri fielded a side with an average age of 22 this weekend and still managed to beat Sassoulo at the top and extend his unbeaten 13 Serie A games this season.
They are now the only undefeated team in Europe’s top five leagues. Awesome stuff.
“Have you given up yet? Or are you thirsty for more? ” (Alone at home)
Well… it was a reporting week for Liverpool, wasn’t it?
The Reds have proven, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are England’s best team in their last two games, beating Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 at Anfield, and recording their biggest win in the away from Premier League history with a 7-0 rout from Crystal Palace to Selhurst Park.
Tottenham, Man Utd, Chelsea, Leicester, Man City – it’s time to give up. Liverpool are too good.
